I need critiques; the more brutal, the better.
Her father’s funeral was a simple affair held that evening. At dusk, his stiff body was laid into a plundered rowboat. Jo had lovingly dressed him in his finest clothes, a welcomed distraction from her grief. Jo watched as the boat was slowly lowered into the sea. She closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to flow over. Behind her, Pegg gave a robust speech about her Father’s courage, compassion, and overall goodness. Her stomach twisted up, as if it were trying to escape through her ears.
William said a short prayer and it seemed so odd to Jo to hear the dodgy crew give a solemn “Amen.” Turning away, Jo swallowed the despair threatening to overtake her, and arranged for all of the men to receive an extra share of rum. Perhaps the alcohol would work as a peace offering and if not, at least the men would be too drunk to assemble a rebellion. She shivered at the thought of what might happen to her if there was an uprising. Death would probably be the least of her worries.
As her father’s body drifted off into the midnight sea, the officers on board were called into Josette’s quarters. There was a lot to discuss and Jo wanted to feel out their loyalties. Who could she trust? Which ones would she have to watch her back around? The light from several lanterns gleamed off the rich mahogany paneling of the cabin, giving it a cozy feel. Jo could not give into the grief she felt as she looked at the large oak table, which had been scrubbed clean of her Father’s blood.
Chairs scraped against the wooden floor as men assembled themselves around the table. Josette positioned herself at the head of the table in her Father’s red chair. The scene seemed almost surreal to her; was she truly the new Captain of the Dark Goddess? Clearing her throat, she was pleased to see that most of the men seemed to house no resentment towards her, but they could be masking their true emotions. “What are the damages to the ship?” she asked, addressing the boatswain who sat to the left of Pegg.
“Well, we’ve already patched up the majority of holes that were caused by the cannons,” George began his speech slightly slurred by the rum he had already imbibed, “fortunately they only got off a few rounds.”
“We were lucky, most of the damage was done to the sails,” the carpenter, Samuel, put in. “Which we’ve been able to replace with those of the Rosario.”
“And what of the crew?”
An awkward pause followed, the heavy silence filled with the rustling of clothing and uncomfortable grunts. She looked for clues in their eyes, but many of them avoided eye contact, making it almost impossible to decipher their masked expressions.
Finally One-Eyed Freddie spoke up. “Many are dissatisfied to serve under a woman.” He said it with such disdain that Jo figured he shared in their sentiments.
“But many remain loyal,” Pegg quickly assured her.
“Aye,” William agreed.
None spoke of mutiny, although it was unlikely that it would be mentioned if there were such a plot brewing. Josette fought down the nasty taste of fear rising in her throat. “How long until we reach port?”
“As long as the weather remains fair, we should arrive in Port Royal within a week.” William replied.
“Very well.” Jo stood up, her indication to the men that they were dismissed. “Pegg, could I speak with you privately?”
“Aye.” he said, as the men trailed out of her cabin.
She waited until the door was shut and latched before she turned to the Scotsman with the wooden leg. “I trust you Pegg, you’re like an Uncle to me. But I have to know that I have your loyalty. I need at least one person that I can wholly trust.”
“You have it, lassie. I’ve known you since you were a babe and I’d die before I’d let any harm come to you.” She could tell that he was sincere.
Jo let out a sigh of relief. “What do the men speak of, when I am not around?”
“No revolt has been planned as far as I’ve heard.” He hobbled to a chair and sat down, propping his good leg on a chest. “Some have spoke of desertion once we reach port.”
“I can handle that, I only fear what the men would do if they had their way with me.” She was not naive when it came to the workings of the male mind. She shook her head, frightened to go down that path. “What of loot? What was our take on that?”
Pegg pulled out a detailed list of the new cargo. It still surprised and impressed her that such a rough looking man was literate.
“Four crates of leather shoes, six bales of silk, ten casks of Spanish wine, four barrels of tobacco, two very fine Persian rugs, and eight chickens.” Pegg paused as if for dramatic effect. “We also found three unmarked crates which upon opening contained gold bars.”
Jo’s eyebrows shot into her hairline. “Gold? On a merchant ship?”
Pegg smiled broadly, showing a mouth of crooked and blackened teeth. “Aye, sixteen gold bars in each crate. Needed four men just to lift the crates.”
“Makes a bit more sense why they decided to fight back,” Jo murmured. “Where is the gold now?”
“In the weaponry closet.” Pegg motioned towards the door. It was always under lock and key, with only Pegg and her knowing where the key was hidden.
“How many know of the gold?” Jo asked. The prospect of gold might incite the men to mutiny that much sooner.
“Only myself and William. He was the only one present when I opened the crate. He is loyal. Probably more than me.” Pegg smiled.
“Very well.” Jo sighed. She had seven long days to retain her Captaincy, smother any whisper of rebellion, keep forty-eight bars of gold hidden, deal with her Father’s death and remain alive herself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi Moirah,
Your piece caught my eye so here is my reivew, if I appear a bit blunt I apologize
I found a few things sounded/ or seemed a tad bit redundant. She thinks something and then someone else says it - almost in the same wording as used in her thoughts.
ie:
and then this was mentioned in her 'thoughts' earlier in the previous segment:
I think once its been stated either through thoughts or speech its unneccessary to repeat it unless you sum it up with a quick, for example:
" George went on to list the damage wrought by the shots fired from the Spanish Galleon and agreeing with her ealier sentiments about the pointless waste of ammunitiuon ..."
I think your MC asks a lot of questions and doesn't seem to make a lot of statments with her thoughts. Break it up abit.
Instead of:
try:
At times I think you could delve a little deeper and take us in further. For example with this line here:
Perhaps have her witness the dangerous gleam in thier eyes, perhaps some of them almost predatory in nature. Could be there are a few who had lusted after her (a woman on a ship would drive most towards the brink of insanity - especially caught out at sea). Those who do would see her as vulnerable without her father to protect her. The urge/desire to commit rape, especially if a mutinay were to take place, could become an issue very quickly. Therefore you could give us her thoughts, feelings, fears at the idea of what the men would do to her if they do find the nerve to revolt. It would certainly pose a terrifying and tense situation and add another layer of drama and intrigue.
This is another form of redundancy. If you mentioned 'sails,' there's no real need to repeat the word in the same scentence.
in this case, the second part of the statement could be replaced with a simple: ... 'which we've been able to replace with those of the Rosario for the most part. We should have the rest patched up shortly.'
'to' is missing from this.
Is it? I would think this would only incite the men to mutiny that much sooner. The prospect of Gold and the title of Captain? The particularily ruthless or ambitious of pirates would have their minds working into overtime - especially since the prospect of a woman in command would pose a lot of problems. There is also a probabilty of looting as well. I would think that the relay of inventory would be something that the Captain would be told privately so that he/she can decide ahead of time how the spoils are to be dispursed to the rest of the crew. Especially if in this case she doesn't even know who to trust.
Instead of saying 'week' again at the end, perhaps: 'Josette had seven long days in which to fight to retain her Captaincy, quash any whisper of mutiny; to stay alive.'
All in all, its not too shabby. I am enjoying it but there are moments where it's hard for me to get a visual.
I liked the descriptions you used in the first installment where we began after her father was already dead. It seemed to flow much smoother. The battle scene was okay, but I didn't really feel any tension, any heat or dynamics of what was going on. We need more: the sound of muskat's firing - the deafening crack as it explodes from the barrel of the gun/ the smell of sulfur and burnt powder/ the searing flash of sparks and smoke.... the cries of the dying and the wounded.... the clash of steel against steel or the hiss as it cuts through flesh and breaks bones... I would think the battle would be messy/gorey: severed limbs, bits of this and that, a man clutching at his abdomen with his innards spilling out ... ya now? lol
You did give us a bit in an earlier segement with grey matter exploding out the back of someone's head from a gun shot. I thought it was pretty effective.
Also, pirates are dirty, scuzzy and disease infested men. The idea of a girl being raised on the ship doesn't sound too realistic. Perhaps the father kept her onboard for a stretch time here and there...or had her pretend to be a boy and the rest of the crew is oblivious? It would help protect her chasity and keep her safe from most scrutiny where a few might only object due to her being 'young' and the rest of htem just wanting the Captaincy for themselves due to ambition. Then maybe down the road she gets in a fight and the truth
In reality, there were some female pirates/captains but if you research you'll find they all pretended to be men and only after they were caught and put on trial did the truth come out about them being women. It was the only way they were able to survive. Sooooooooooo....yeah it's fantasy, I'm sure you'll find a way to make it work regardless. But as far as being historically accurate, that's a different story.
It's been entertaining thus far and I look forward to continuing with the next installments
Eeeeeep!!! I'm sooooo sorry it took so long to read this. Okay, here I go!
At dusk, his stiff body was ceremoniously laid into a plundered rowboat and lowered into the sea.
Also, I think you can get rid of ceremoniously. Funeral clarifies that and if you want an adjective there, you could describe how it was laid.
For someone who was emotionally stressed in the first chapter, her "observations" on the funeral seem kind of heartless.
Holy mother of life!! Her father's blood, whose dead, and she says it so casually! She sounds so callus but that clashes with how you previously presented her personality. I know she doesn't want to seem weak but there should at least be a struggle.
Okay, now I'm confused. This sentence makes her sound callus. She is okay with her father's blood but it's a shock that she's captain? Is her priority levels sorted out properly. So far, the sections are making it hard to determine the character's personality.
I say end it after the word agreed. The rest is excess information and doesn't seemed to have the need to be bluntly pointed out.
“As long as the weather remains fair, we should arrive in Port Royal within a week.” William replied.
The chapter was good, grammar wasn't an issue. The only thing I thought was SO BIZARRE was Josette's personality. I mean OMG!! It's her father's funeral and all she can do is find humor out of pirate's saying "amen"? I mean, if that was her personality, that would be cool. But in chapter one, that was NOT her personality. She went from one chapter saying "Father!! You must live" *weep-weep* to the next chapter saying "Yeah....my dad's dead...stuff happens". Unless, she's bipolar. Whatever it is, her personality is making me have an OCD attack. I almost weeped for her father because of her personality.
So, yeah, I say fix the funeral scene. The whole "OMG, my crew might betray me" part was well done. Now, take that approach and take it to the funeral. If you don't want her to seem weak, show the struggle of her trying to be strong while on the inside, she's ship wreaked in a pool of raging emotions.
-inhales- Sorry, I just feel so bad for the father. xD
Hey Moriah,
Father shouldn't be capitalized.
"an extra share of rum, sort of as a peace offering."
"of the cabin, giving it a cozy feel."
Woohoo, characterization for Pegg.
I don't remember William. He needs a little more characterization to make him stand out, if he's one of the loyal ones.
Crying at a Funeral
I think you have a very good beginning, very solid like someone said, but at the same time I want to get into Jo's head and experience what she's thinking about her father's funeral. A funeral is a very emotional thing. Grief, anger, despair - so many things could be clouding her mind right then. We need to see her emote as her father is buried.
Otherwise, more good stuff. Keep up the good writing! =D
~ Clo
I personally enjoyed how you kept the dialouge flowing throughout the characters, and not just one. I have seen many writers fin themselves unappropriatly shuffling dialouge back and forth between thought and speech, but keeping in the same character. You defined the difference as to what is right as to what should and should not be spoken.
A solid beginning, I think. I enjoyed it. While there wasn't any immediate action - which would have been a nice addition - you pulled off giving us info well. Although, you have to watch your writing - you have a tendency to tell, and not to show.
The only thing I would like to see more of is your MC's emotions. While we are getting to know her already, I want to know if she's angry, sad, thoughtful, bland. Although, if the last, you have to be careful, because bland can get boring.
So anyway, good work. Keep writing.
“What are the damages to the ship?” She asked, should say "What are the damages to the ship?" she asked.
A solid and promising start. I'm starting to like Jo's character already, and I want to find out how her father died. Also, would 'Sam' be a realistic name in 1718? Or should it be 'Samuel'? (I'm pretty unsure on this, by the way). I like how it doesn't jump straight into the fantasy and magic, and it certainly doesn't rely on fantasy elements to drive the plot.
Overall, a good and promising start with lots of potential.
The beginning is a little lacking in details. What does Josette feel at her father's funeral? What does she think?

Towards the middle it picks up and becomes more interesting. I suggest you add more thoughts from her. What is she feeling, discussing with the crew?
As for Port Royal, you could have them arrive in a different location, or simply keep calling it Port Royal. Why, I wouldn't know.